Sunday, 30 December 2012

Christmas Swan...

As December 2012 draws to an end and I tune in to Brian Eno, I feel relaxed yet hopeful of new pastures...
I have just returned from my first Christmas out of London in years and, reflecting on the past few days, realise how much I needed to unwind.
A good dose of beach walking and wilderness filled with enchanted woods and muddy puddles and paths, have evoked feelings of calmness.
It was wonderful to spend valuable time with family in the place where I grew up. To feel connected is a precious thing and something which I had lacked in the past year. Strangely though, through this link, I rediscovered a sense of freedom, and found inspiration which I had been seeking...
Perhaps my photograph of the Swan stretching out his wings was an angel after all...
Thank you for a lovely Christmas.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Christmas Wish...

I am in a strange place right now. I am blocked again. The worry continues and has become, at times, physical pain. It's as though there are no words to describe what I am feeling, so my body reacts with a feeling of nausea and piercing head pain.
I have recently taken another blow to my self esteem, another disappointment. I am so tired of the struggle which is forever present. Each time I think I am safe and can begin to visualise realising my dreams and goals, something or someone pulls the rug out from under me. I honestly do not know why. It induces a personal doubt in my abilities and hinders my journey. Is the universe endeavouring to hold me back again for progress in personal growth, maybe a lesson not yet learned? Or am I scared of success and the commitment and responsibility that comes with it? I am uncertain at this moment in time. It's like three steps forward and three steps back to where I began. A resemblance to 'Groundhog Day'.
For a while there, I experienced happiness and the bubble exploded.
Now, however, a new path will begin in January. I do not know what, but hope for something which enables me to reach goals.
I am tired. As I gaze at the flame in front of me, I wonder what will become of me. My little Christmas tree echoes a glimmer of faith and wishes of previous years. The faith in a new year around the corner and possibilities which may unfold. 2012 has been hard work, emotionally and physically. There have been some heart - wrenching moments, some creative splurges, a sprinkling of joy (usually a photograph) and some new skills - can make a perfect cappuccino ! Yet, weirdness prevails. A sense of loss and anxiety.
As I look into the flame again... I remember the Robin story and the miracle that occurred after some patience and a little faith and visualisation. I remember a quote I read earlier in the year about trusting your vision and staying true to yourself.
If only I could afford that truth. I think I will be wishing for just that, this Christmas. To that end, I wish you all a festive season which surpasses all your heartening dreams...