I am in a strange place right now. I am blocked again. The worry continues and has become, at times, physical pain. It's as though there are no words to describe what I am feeling, so my body reacts with a feeling of nausea and piercing head pain.
I have recently taken another blow to my self esteem, another disappointment. I am so tired of the struggle which is forever present. Each time I think I am safe and can begin to visualise realising my dreams and goals, something or someone pulls the rug out from under me. I honestly do not know why. It induces a personal doubt in my abilities and hinders my journey. Is the universe endeavouring to hold me back again for progress in personal growth, maybe a lesson not yet learned? Or am I scared of success and the commitment and responsibility that comes with it? I am uncertain at this moment in time. It's like three steps forward and three steps back to where I began. A resemblance to 'Groundhog Day'.
For a while there, I experienced happiness and the bubble exploded.
Now, however, a new path will begin in January. I do not know what, but hope for something which enables me to reach goals.
I am tired. As I gaze at the flame in front of me, I wonder what will become of me. My little Christmas tree echoes a glimmer of faith and wishes of previous years. The faith in a new year around the corner and possibilities which may unfold. 2012 has been hard work, emotionally and physically. There have been some heart - wrenching moments, some creative splurges, a sprinkling of joy (usually a photograph) and some new skills - can make a perfect cappuccino ! Yet, weirdness prevails. A sense of loss and anxiety.
As I look into the flame again... I remember the Robin story and the miracle that occurred after some patience and a little faith and visualisation. I remember a quote I read earlier in the year about trusting your vision and staying true to yourself.
If only I could afford that truth. I think I will be wishing for just that, this Christmas. To that end, I wish you all a festive season which surpasses all your heartening dreams...